Today was full of memories and fantasies. Memories of the past, both good and bad, seem to entertain my thoughts on a regular basis nowdays. Mainly good memories infiltrate my daydreams; many of them my trials and errors while learning to ride, random spot-on's with Chip and other friends. Fantasies have taken up more time than usual. Generally I daydream of future events that are realistic, however, since being here in Texas I've already had some great opportunities present themselves and with those opportunitities come the chance of my fantasies coming true; Such events include but are not limited to my barrel racing with a competitive horse at some large events here in Texas...well mainly that. My true passion is in rodeo. I think that moving here has only heightened my everlasting love for the sport, specifically barrel racing since I have not yet mastered roping. Nothing has ever compared to it. I have not found something that I love or want more. To me it's not just a hobby, it's the very essence of my future. It's all I've really ever wanted. Granted, sure, there's other things in life that I love and that I want in my future too; in light of it, I love fashion and design. I love traveling and hope to do all of these things in my future. I love keeping up with fashion and design because it's a way to express myself and my creative side. I love traveling because I get to see the beauty of the Earth and everything that He created. The world is the very mold of His imagination. It's all around us and it's so beautiful. So much it is taken for granted. But back to the barrel racing; to me, it's the lifestyle that brings out alot of good in people. As with everything, bad is also brought out; however, the people are like me. I have a group that I fit into so well because we all share the same passion. It's great competition and such an amazing support system to have.
Regardless, Texas is forcing me to look at my priorities and figure some things out. There's good and bad in that statement. Texas, itself, was a priority and an adjustment for me. It was a huge decision that I knew would change and even define my life whether I liked it or not as well as regardless to what my decision was. Thankfully, as the days pass, I do feel as though I've made the right choice. Despite my family not being here with me, they have been so supportive and I acknowledge how lucky I am to have such an incredible family backing me. They've supported me from the get-go. For that I am eternally grateful. It's not everyday that someone gets the chance to change their life and pursue their dreams.
As Always
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
What do I believe?
This morning in church the pastor expanded in his series about trust. Trust is a subject that many people are obviously influenced by but also I feel as though many people lie or are unsure about trust. At least that's how I feel. My opinion on trust is probably very similar to yours: once it's broken, it can't be replaced. However, I've come to realize that I have no idea about my stance on trust. When I first thought about this I told myself that I trust easily. To me, someone's word means alot, as does mine in the same situation. If I give my word, I intend to keep it. Some are able to outright say that they trust no one and they're right. I've never felt as though it's that simple for me. Thinking about it this morning in church was absolutely upsetting. Although I do trust people very easily, I've come to realize that I expect everyone to disappoint me. Perhaps trust isn't my issue; perhaps it's my faith in others.
I honestly cannot pinpoint when my faith in others burnt out. I know that I used to believe in everyone. I know that I still believe in others, well some. I do truly understand that everyone is bound to disappoint eachother at some point in time or another. In fact, we all disappoint ourselves from time to time too. It should be expected. You cannot just assume someone's perfection. But what do you assume? Can you assume that a person is telling the truth? Or that they'll be faithful to you? Loyal to you? Or will they hurt you when you need them most?
The fact that I had to have this conversation with myself is rather depressing. I would love for the solution to be simple: for me to be able to have faith in others. It bothers me to not be able to believe in others when I do feel as though I can see the good in people. Perhaps it's society that's making us all so undesireable. Now it seems as though everyone backstabs eachother and friends take others loved ones or keep secrets that should've been told. I know that I've lived through so much and at times I didn't want to deal with it. So how do we undo what's been done? What restores our faith in others? Am I the only one who feels this way?
Perhaps today is just a bad day for my view on humanity. It's been 27 days stince I've been home and today feels like the toughest one yet. I'm almost half way through until spring break. I miss my horses so very much. In the past several years they've been able to catch my tears and listen while I rant. They've allowed me to escape into my own version of peace and have provided a laugh or two when I desperately needed it. Most of all, they depend on me and because of this I feel needed. Now I sit here in my apartment with nothing to do, just as everyday is. Sure I could clean, study for future tests, or even just update my facebook status but all of those things are missing the most important element: none of them make me necessary, or needed. It's as though everything in the world could continue on without noticing if I get out of bed or not.
Enough with my depressing day. Maybe a different topic next week in church to keep my mind rolling.
As Always
I honestly cannot pinpoint when my faith in others burnt out. I know that I used to believe in everyone. I know that I still believe in others, well some. I do truly understand that everyone is bound to disappoint eachother at some point in time or another. In fact, we all disappoint ourselves from time to time too. It should be expected. You cannot just assume someone's perfection. But what do you assume? Can you assume that a person is telling the truth? Or that they'll be faithful to you? Loyal to you? Or will they hurt you when you need them most?
The fact that I had to have this conversation with myself is rather depressing. I would love for the solution to be simple: for me to be able to have faith in others. It bothers me to not be able to believe in others when I do feel as though I can see the good in people. Perhaps it's society that's making us all so undesireable. Now it seems as though everyone backstabs eachother and friends take others loved ones or keep secrets that should've been told. I know that I've lived through so much and at times I didn't want to deal with it. So how do we undo what's been done? What restores our faith in others? Am I the only one who feels this way?
Perhaps today is just a bad day for my view on humanity. It's been 27 days stince I've been home and today feels like the toughest one yet. I'm almost half way through until spring break. I miss my horses so very much. In the past several years they've been able to catch my tears and listen while I rant. They've allowed me to escape into my own version of peace and have provided a laugh or two when I desperately needed it. Most of all, they depend on me and because of this I feel needed. Now I sit here in my apartment with nothing to do, just as everyday is. Sure I could clean, study for future tests, or even just update my facebook status but all of those things are missing the most important element: none of them make me necessary, or needed. It's as though everything in the world could continue on without noticing if I get out of bed or not.
Enough with my depressing day. Maybe a different topic next week in church to keep my mind rolling.
As Always
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Chasing After Something...
Well it's been 17 days since I've been home and about another 50 days before I will have the opportunity to go home. I really thought it'd be alot harder than this; however, being surrounded by my dreams and the wonderful friends who have supported me and helped guide me on this journey have made such a positive impact that I'm not really sure if I've even felt homesick yet. Sure, there are days that I do miss home and times when I wish that I could simply drive home to see my parents and horses and just enjoy a home-cooked meal. These feelings are real and are tough to deal with; however, I really feel as though I'm where I'm supposed to be. Texas feels right. Being surrounded by all the opportunities not only with horses but also with the agricultural diversity that is among this area; it's all so amazing. I wish it was closer to home but if this is what chasing your dreams is supposed to be like then it's so bad. :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
"Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married,
And just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go..."
Kasey Musgraves definately hit that nail on the head. Don't get me wrong, I love Monmouth, I love the small- town life and all that it entails, however, I always knew it just wasn't for me. Having the same stories every week or even the regulars at the restaurant just doesn't cut it for me. Change and life are everything that I've needed.
Moving the Texas was huge. I can't say quite yet whether it was a good choice or a bad one. It's only been 9 days since I left home and only 5 days since my family said their goodbyes for the next 9 weeks. Never in my life have I been so far away from home for an extended period of time without my family. Although I like it here so far, I hate not having even the option to go home. Spring break will be my first opportunity to go home. After that, it's May. I must say that up until today I had been getting along pretty well without my parents here. It was very difficult to say goodbye and stand to watch them walk out the door last week. I know that although they're proud of what I'm accomplishing, it still hurts them to leave me here, not knowing what's going on or if I'm taking my vitamins or eating proper meals or even just doing laundry correctly.
Tonight it's really hitting me that they aren't going to walk through my bedroom door or yell at me to come eat dinner. I don't think I fully realize the extent of the situation just yet; however, it's starting. I can feel the consious that I've kept caged at the back of my mind start to prode around.
We get bored so we get married,
And just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go..."
Kasey Musgraves definately hit that nail on the head. Don't get me wrong, I love Monmouth, I love the small- town life and all that it entails, however, I always knew it just wasn't for me. Having the same stories every week or even the regulars at the restaurant just doesn't cut it for me. Change and life are everything that I've needed.
Moving the Texas was huge. I can't say quite yet whether it was a good choice or a bad one. It's only been 9 days since I left home and only 5 days since my family said their goodbyes for the next 9 weeks. Never in my life have I been so far away from home for an extended period of time without my family. Although I like it here so far, I hate not having even the option to go home. Spring break will be my first opportunity to go home. After that, it's May. I must say that up until today I had been getting along pretty well without my parents here. It was very difficult to say goodbye and stand to watch them walk out the door last week. I know that although they're proud of what I'm accomplishing, it still hurts them to leave me here, not knowing what's going on or if I'm taking my vitamins or eating proper meals or even just doing laundry correctly.
Tonight it's really hitting me that they aren't going to walk through my bedroom door or yell at me to come eat dinner. I don't think I fully realize the extent of the situation just yet; however, it's starting. I can feel the consious that I've kept caged at the back of my mind start to prode around.
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