What do I believe?

This morning in church the pastor expanded in his series about trust. Trust is a subject that many people are obviously influenced by but also I feel as though many people lie or are unsure about trust. At least that's how I feel. My opinion on trust is probably very similar to yours: once it's broken, it can't be replaced. However, I've come to realize that I have no idea about my stance on trust. When I first thought about this I told myself that I trust easily. To me, someone's word means alot, as does mine in the same situation. If I give my word, I intend to keep it. Some are able to outright say that they trust no one and they're right. I've never felt as though it's that simple for me. Thinking about it this morning in church was absolutely upsetting. Although I do trust people very easily, I've come to realize that I expect everyone to disappoint me. Perhaps trust isn't my issue; perhaps it's my faith in others.
  I honestly cannot pinpoint when my faith in others burnt out. I know that I used to believe in everyone. I know that I still believe in others, well some. I do truly understand that everyone is bound to disappoint eachother at some point in time or another. In fact, we all disappoint ourselves from time to time too. It should be expected. You cannot just assume someone's perfection. But what do you assume? Can you assume that a person is telling the truth? Or that they'll be faithful to you? Loyal to you? Or will they hurt you when you need them most?
 The fact that I had to have this conversation with myself is rather depressing. I would love for the solution to be simple: for me to be able to have faith in others. It bothers me to not be able to believe in others when I do feel as though I can see the good in people. Perhaps it's society that's making us all so undesireable. Now it seems as though everyone backstabs eachother and friends take others loved ones or keep secrets that should've been told. I know that I've lived through so much and at times I didn't want to deal with it. So how do we undo what's been done? What restores our faith in others? Am I the only one who feels this way?
  Perhaps today is just a bad day for my view on humanity. It's been 27 days stince I've been home and today feels like the toughest one yet. I'm almost half way through until spring break. I miss my horses so very much. In the past several years they've been able to catch my tears and listen while I rant. They've allowed me to escape into my own version of peace and have provided a laugh or two when I desperately needed it. Most of all, they depend on me and because of this I feel needed. Now I sit here in my apartment with nothing to do, just as everyday is. Sure I could clean, study for future tests, or even just update my facebook status but all of those things are missing the most important element: none of them make me necessary, or needed. It's as though everything in the world could continue on without noticing if I get out of bed or not.

Enough with my depressing day. Maybe a different topic next week in church to keep my mind rolling.


As Always