My, Oh, my, I've got to be the oddest person ever. Life changes every day around here. A month ago I posted about wantingI to be home and how I was just starting to like it here. Now, again, my mind has changed. I love it here. I don't want to go back to Illinois. In fact, I think I'm here to stay. I went home this past weekend to watch my baby brother graduate high school. I cried. No lies here. I'm so thrilled for him and cannot wait to watch him chase his dreams and take that next step in his life. He is so amazing and although he doesn't realize it yet, he's so smart and understanding that success is undeniable for him.
Although I enjoyed my weekend and was so happy to see my family and Amanda, it really hit me at how little is waiting for me back home. I've got everything that I want and have worked for here in Texas. Sure, it'd be great if my family was here, but I've got a family here with Zeb and Melissa and the incredible friends I've made. I know that I can count on all of them to help me as I continue to chase my dreams, the ones that everyone said I wouldn't reach. I am going home for all of June to get my health straightened out and medicine prescribed, but right after the 4th of July, I'm coming back here to work horses for Zeb. It's a great opportunity and it's exactly what I need, for someone to take a chance on me and have faith in my abilities.
For the first time I can say this honestly, I am where I need to and want to be and I love it. I am chasing my dreams and they are tangible.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Peace of Mind
It certainly has been awhile huh? Crazy to think that it's already the end of April and that in less than 3 weeks, I'll be moving back home for the summer. I thought this day would never come. I'm ready to be home. Things have turned around alot and I can honestly say that this place is growing on me. Maybe it's the opportunities that I'm getting or just the refreshed state of mind and peace within. Either way, things are looking up. I love my life; I would love to be closer to my family but I know that it isn't an option for another year.That's tough to comprehend but in one year, alot will have changed.
Speaking of change, my lifestyle certainly has. Work has been busting my butt and I've noticed a bit of change. Because I'm working outside and with horses, my arms are starting to take shape again and I can feel those abs hidden deep below. My legs are finally showing some definition too. I haven't really worked out much since spring break when my job starting picking up and really began. I've been wanting to lately and so yesterday I went for a really long powerwalk around the east side of Canyon. It felt so great to be outside with fresh air, peace and quiet, and a peace of mind too. I honestly left my mind blank out and didn't think about anything. I just enjoyed my time not fretting about school or worrying about time-management.
Today, actually like 20 minutes ago, I did my very first Crossfit challenge. I feel as though that's going to kick my butt. I plan on doing a little running and a few other starter workouts like that after I get home from work tonight. Unfortunately time is of the essence and I have a huge and very important test to study for that I get to take at 10am tomorrow so the after-work workout will have to be quick.
Much Love.
Speaking of change, my lifestyle certainly has. Work has been busting my butt and I've noticed a bit of change. Because I'm working outside and with horses, my arms are starting to take shape again and I can feel those abs hidden deep below. My legs are finally showing some definition too. I haven't really worked out much since spring break when my job starting picking up and really began. I've been wanting to lately and so yesterday I went for a really long powerwalk around the east side of Canyon. It felt so great to be outside with fresh air, peace and quiet, and a peace of mind too. I honestly left my mind blank out and didn't think about anything. I just enjoyed my time not fretting about school or worrying about time-management.
Today, actually like 20 minutes ago, I did my very first Crossfit challenge. I feel as though that's going to kick my butt. I plan on doing a little running and a few other starter workouts like that after I get home from work tonight. Unfortunately time is of the essence and I have a huge and very important test to study for that I get to take at 10am tomorrow so the after-work workout will have to be quick.
Much Love.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Something Else Out There
The feeling of imagination, the life within, the fire that burns; it's inside all of us. What fills these voids? What makes us whole? These questions are standard and life-long. It's the pursuit of happiness.
Well this is my pursuit of happiness and this doesn't seem to be the right way.
I think that I've grown up alot in the past several months and this just isn't for me. It's time for a change. I thought that this was the right path and I'm glad that I pursued this; however, it's time for another change. This isn't for me; this isn't me. I'm more unhappy than I have been in a long time. I feel lost, like I'm off track. I don't know what will come of this but another change is necessary. I do believe that judging will play a major role in my decision, in fact, it might be the only thing to play a role. I just don't know if I can handle or deal with another 5 consecutive months of this. I'm unhappy, bored, and restless. Yes, a full schedule, with judging or work, will help but I still unhappy. I'm not making my decision until May but something's going to have to change before then.
Well this is my pursuit of happiness and this doesn't seem to be the right way.
I think that I've grown up alot in the past several months and this just isn't for me. It's time for a change. I thought that this was the right path and I'm glad that I pursued this; however, it's time for another change. This isn't for me; this isn't me. I'm more unhappy than I have been in a long time. I feel lost, like I'm off track. I don't know what will come of this but another change is necessary. I do believe that judging will play a major role in my decision, in fact, it might be the only thing to play a role. I just don't know if I can handle or deal with another 5 consecutive months of this. I'm unhappy, bored, and restless. Yes, a full schedule, with judging or work, will help but I still unhappy. I'm not making my decision until May but something's going to have to change before then.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Truth of Dreams
Harry Tubman once said that "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."
Dreams are meant to be lived. For as long as I can remember, I've experienced dreams every time I've slept. Those these dreams change each night, but the ones I have during the day never falter. Although at this critical time in my life I have no idea what I plan on doing with my life, I do hope that some of my dreams will be carried out.
With that being said, and for that reason exactly, I've decided that it's in my best interest to go home. I have not decided when the exact time will be, either this May or Decemeber, I do think that it's the right choice. I think that in moving away from home, which I do agree is something that everyone needs to do at least one time, I've realized how many incredible opportunities that I have back home. Before coming down here, I sold myself short and my home short. I had some amazing offers at home and I know that they're still waiting for me, but I guess that I sold them short and brushed them off because I though they were good offers soley for my hometown/area, not compared to the world. In reality, I realize now that they were just incredible offers regardless of area.
Not only are the opportunities great, I do miss my family. I would be lying if I said that they aren't a factor. They're a major factor. I know that they want what's best for me and support me no matter what. I also realize that they will be there when I return, whenever that is. I do think that as I struggle to find my place in the world and to embrace my talents and dreams, it would so rewarding and comforting to have them by my side, helping me and guiding me on my way.
My horses are another huge reason that I would like to move home. With 5 horses waiting on me, it's tough for me to be 1000 miles away and not adequately able to take care of them. Plus, I came here to embrace my passion for horses and barrel racing; it's not happening here yet. Not that it can't but it just hasn't yet. And school is tough which means that I need to focus more on my classes, leaving me with less time for horses and other extracurricular activities.
For whatever other reasons, I'm moving home. I still have not decided whether I'll move home in May after classes or in Decemeber, when judging is finished. I love judging, it's a passion of mine. I just am not sure if it's worth moving back here for 5 months. It's not that this place is terrible, in fact it's a great school, I just don't fit here. I don't think that this is where I'm meant to be. Five months is a long time to be alone, or at least lonely feeling, and to be in a place where I don't think I belong. We'll see what will happen but I've got a bunch of people to discuss this with.
"Dreams are today's answers for tomorrow's questions." Edgar Cayce
Dreams are meant to be lived. For as long as I can remember, I've experienced dreams every time I've slept. Those these dreams change each night, but the ones I have during the day never falter. Although at this critical time in my life I have no idea what I plan on doing with my life, I do hope that some of my dreams will be carried out.
With that being said, and for that reason exactly, I've decided that it's in my best interest to go home. I have not decided when the exact time will be, either this May or Decemeber, I do think that it's the right choice. I think that in moving away from home, which I do agree is something that everyone needs to do at least one time, I've realized how many incredible opportunities that I have back home. Before coming down here, I sold myself short and my home short. I had some amazing offers at home and I know that they're still waiting for me, but I guess that I sold them short and brushed them off because I though they were good offers soley for my hometown/area, not compared to the world. In reality, I realize now that they were just incredible offers regardless of area.
Not only are the opportunities great, I do miss my family. I would be lying if I said that they aren't a factor. They're a major factor. I know that they want what's best for me and support me no matter what. I also realize that they will be there when I return, whenever that is. I do think that as I struggle to find my place in the world and to embrace my talents and dreams, it would so rewarding and comforting to have them by my side, helping me and guiding me on my way.
My horses are another huge reason that I would like to move home. With 5 horses waiting on me, it's tough for me to be 1000 miles away and not adequately able to take care of them. Plus, I came here to embrace my passion for horses and barrel racing; it's not happening here yet. Not that it can't but it just hasn't yet. And school is tough which means that I need to focus more on my classes, leaving me with less time for horses and other extracurricular activities.
For whatever other reasons, I'm moving home. I still have not decided whether I'll move home in May after classes or in Decemeber, when judging is finished. I love judging, it's a passion of mine. I just am not sure if it's worth moving back here for 5 months. It's not that this place is terrible, in fact it's a great school, I just don't fit here. I don't think that this is where I'm meant to be. Five months is a long time to be alone, or at least lonely feeling, and to be in a place where I don't think I belong. We'll see what will happen but I've got a bunch of people to discuss this with.
"Dreams are today's answers for tomorrow's questions." Edgar Cayce
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Decisions, Decisions, Oh What Will Come of This?
Today, my 50th day, I am thankful for home. I am thankful not only for our farm and house, but for a place that I can truly call home. A place where people love me and care about me. A place that is safe and inviting, a place to rest or pursue a dream.
Today, I am only 17 days away from being home for spring break. I cannot believe how quickly time has gone by. I've alreay been here for more than 45 days and in a short 2 weeks, the semester will be half over. From here on out, it's warmer weather too, which always make the time pass quicker. Also, things have been getting a little easier. Not the part about being away from home but the fact that I've made a few friends down here and have some more stuff going on than what I did before. March 4th is when our rough draft manuscripts are due to Tanner. After those are turned in the Tanner, Andrea, & I will begin editing them for the Brand, WT Ag department's annual newsletter/publication. It's pretty cool to be a part of that. Also, judging will be picking up soon. We've got 2 mini-contests coming up and then 2 "bigger" contests, including NACTA and a contest near Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm really excited to be judging again.
I won't even begin on it right now, however, there has been alot on my mind today. There are things that I've been thinking about that could alter my life entirely. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about these things but they are certainly taking a toll on me. Prayers.
Today, I am only 17 days away from being home for spring break. I cannot believe how quickly time has gone by. I've alreay been here for more than 45 days and in a short 2 weeks, the semester will be half over. From here on out, it's warmer weather too, which always make the time pass quicker. Also, things have been getting a little easier. Not the part about being away from home but the fact that I've made a few friends down here and have some more stuff going on than what I did before. March 4th is when our rough draft manuscripts are due to Tanner. After those are turned in the Tanner, Andrea, & I will begin editing them for the Brand, WT Ag department's annual newsletter/publication. It's pretty cool to be a part of that. Also, judging will be picking up soon. We've got 2 mini-contests coming up and then 2 "bigger" contests, including NACTA and a contest near Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm really excited to be judging again.
I won't even begin on it right now, however, there has been alot on my mind today. There are things that I've been thinking about that could alter my life entirely. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about these things but they are certainly taking a toll on me. Prayers.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
49 Things I'm Grateful For
Tonight while on the phone with my mother, she reminded me that I should be recording amazing things that happen, or even just the simple things that I'm thankful for. She told me that she did this while she was pregnant with me, after the doctors told her about my health concerns. She wanted to be able to remember the good things through the bad times and the bad news. She said that at times, this is what kept her pushing through.
Because of some of the troubles that I've been having, I've decided to list one good thing, or something that I love, for everyday of this year. Because it's now February 18th, I've some catching up to do. So here's 49 things for the 49 days that I've lived through thus far in 2013:
1. My Family, for their love and support.
2. God, for obvious reasons.
3. Friends that have stood by me.
4. Chip, for his undeniable strength and intelligence.
5. Vaquera, for her sassiness and the tenderness that she is teaching me.
6. Lucky, for his forgiveness and humor.
7. Mr. P, for his wittiness and care.
8. Xanadu, for her beauty and independence.
9. My future, which is also my struggle.
10. College, for having the ability and means to attend and for my future.
11. Red hair, which sounds silly, but it makes me unique.
12. Hillside Christian Church, Canyon, Texas, for helping me find my way, without fire and brimstone.
13. Charlie and Webster, who comfort me when I'm sick or upset and cherish me when I'm happy.
14. My Camera, to document the craziness of my life.
15. Ice Cream, because it cures an ailing heart and mind.
16. Big sweatshirts, for curling up and reading books or watching One Tree Hill.
17. Strawberries, because they're my favorite; and when I was little I thought I had red hair because I ate too many.
18. Birth Marks, I have 5 and they will always be a way to identify the real me.
19. Chocolate, self-explanatory.
20. Dishwashing Machines, because it grosses me out to touch something that someone else salivated all over.
21. Hand Sanitizer, because I hate the slimy texture of soap but don't want nasty hands.
22. Green grass, since there is none in Texas.
23. Victoria's Secret bra's, because they make me feel good and are better than plain ones.
24. Glitter; It makes me sound childish but glitter just makes me happy. For some people it's a certain color but for me it's glitter.
25. My hula-hoop chandelier, because it was my first Pinterest creation and it's unique.
26. Blue skies, there's something so pure and untouchable about a clear, bright blue sky.
27. Music, the key to my soul and an escape from the real world around me.
28. The Ocean, because it scares me yet entices me. It's surreal.
29. Sandstorms, because they remind me that I'm a long ways from home and the earth is so vast and encompasses countless environments.
30. Yogi's words, which scare me more than anything, yet give me hope for what God has in store for me.
31. My bed at home in Illinois, because there is no place where I feel more safe.
32. Sunsets, the beauty gets me every time.
33. Pumpkin Pie, I wait all year for pumpkin pie and I have finally conqueredal pumpkin pie, kudos to Alisa Ramer.
34. Leo Ramer, for giving me the courage to pursue my passion for singing.
35. Olivia's cupcakes, because I've never tasted anything like them.
36. My warm, fuzzy, cupcake tie-blanket, because I made it all by myself!
37. Pinterest, which inspires my inner creativity.
38. Art, which was always a way to express myself.
39. Make-up, which keeps me girly.
40. Dr. Pepper, for when I'm down or just need a burst of flavor.
41. Midnight Rodeo-Amarillo, where I learned to two-step, kudos to Josh from Colorado.
42. My future children, because I've always dreamed about you.
43. My future spouse, because I can always use a new friend.
44. An alarm clock, because I wouldn't wake myself up early.
45. Quotes, because they inspire me.
46. Heels, because they empower me, or at least let me think that.
47. Movie Theaters, because there's nothing better than the big screen.
48. Dreams, because they portray what my heart keeps hidden.
49. Each day, because it promises something new.
Because of some of the troubles that I've been having, I've decided to list one good thing, or something that I love, for everyday of this year. Because it's now February 18th, I've some catching up to do. So here's 49 things for the 49 days that I've lived through thus far in 2013:
1. My Family, for their love and support.
2. God, for obvious reasons.
3. Friends that have stood by me.
4. Chip, for his undeniable strength and intelligence.
5. Vaquera, for her sassiness and the tenderness that she is teaching me.
6. Lucky, for his forgiveness and humor.
7. Mr. P, for his wittiness and care.
8. Xanadu, for her beauty and independence.
9. My future, which is also my struggle.
10. College, for having the ability and means to attend and for my future.
11. Red hair, which sounds silly, but it makes me unique.
12. Hillside Christian Church, Canyon, Texas, for helping me find my way, without fire and brimstone.
13. Charlie and Webster, who comfort me when I'm sick or upset and cherish me when I'm happy.
14. My Camera, to document the craziness of my life.
15. Ice Cream, because it cures an ailing heart and mind.
16. Big sweatshirts, for curling up and reading books or watching One Tree Hill.
17. Strawberries, because they're my favorite; and when I was little I thought I had red hair because I ate too many.
18. Birth Marks, I have 5 and they will always be a way to identify the real me.
19. Chocolate, self-explanatory.
20. Dishwashing Machines, because it grosses me out to touch something that someone else salivated all over.
21. Hand Sanitizer, because I hate the slimy texture of soap but don't want nasty hands.
22. Green grass, since there is none in Texas.
23. Victoria's Secret bra's, because they make me feel good and are better than plain ones.
24. Glitter; It makes me sound childish but glitter just makes me happy. For some people it's a certain color but for me it's glitter.
25. My hula-hoop chandelier, because it was my first Pinterest creation and it's unique.
26. Blue skies, there's something so pure and untouchable about a clear, bright blue sky.
27. Music, the key to my soul and an escape from the real world around me.
28. The Ocean, because it scares me yet entices me. It's surreal.
29. Sandstorms, because they remind me that I'm a long ways from home and the earth is so vast and encompasses countless environments.
30. Yogi's words, which scare me more than anything, yet give me hope for what God has in store for me.
31. My bed at home in Illinois, because there is no place where I feel more safe.
32. Sunsets, the beauty gets me every time.
33. Pumpkin Pie, I wait all year for pumpkin pie and I have finally conqueredal pumpkin pie, kudos to Alisa Ramer.
34. Leo Ramer, for giving me the courage to pursue my passion for singing.
35. Olivia's cupcakes, because I've never tasted anything like them.
36. My warm, fuzzy, cupcake tie-blanket, because I made it all by myself!
37. Pinterest, which inspires my inner creativity.
38. Art, which was always a way to express myself.
39. Make-up, which keeps me girly.
40. Dr. Pepper, for when I'm down or just need a burst of flavor.
41. Midnight Rodeo-Amarillo, where I learned to two-step, kudos to Josh from Colorado.
42. My future children, because I've always dreamed about you.
43. My future spouse, because I can always use a new friend.
44. An alarm clock, because I wouldn't wake myself up early.
45. Quotes, because they inspire me.
46. Heels, because they empower me, or at least let me think that.
47. Movie Theaters, because there's nothing better than the big screen.
48. Dreams, because they portray what my heart keeps hidden.
49. Each day, because it promises something new.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Step Up
First, let me start off by saying that I'm completely in love and obsessed with One Tree Hill. I've finally made it to Season 3. Halfway point. Although I don't really want any of their lives, it kinda makes me wish that I could go back to having no worries other than getting my heart broken or how to do my hair from prom. The simple life. Not that getting your heart broken is simple or really that easy, but it's so much better than dealing with money problems and deciding what the heck I want to do with my future, which I still don't even want to think about.
Aside from singing or acting, I don't really know what I want to do. I know that it's a personal struggle for alot of people my age but it's so frustrating because I've always had a plan, always had life figured out. This whole not knowing thing is really throwing me off. I know that I'll probably go be some PR person for an ag company but I just some time to think about what's lying underneath the "probably."
There's plenty of other personal problems that I've got deal with at the moment but those aren't for public eyes or ears. I'll deal with those on my own.
Aside from singing or acting, I don't really know what I want to do. I know that it's a personal struggle for alot of people my age but it's so frustrating because I've always had a plan, always had life figured out. This whole not knowing thing is really throwing me off. I know that I'll probably go be some PR person for an ag company but I just some time to think about what's lying underneath the "probably."
There's plenty of other personal problems that I've got deal with at the moment but those aren't for public eyes or ears. I'll deal with those on my own.
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